FEELINGS, FROM SUMMER

Here is a post from the August of this year. I wrote it, posted it and immediately took it down. Why? I felt so vulnerable sharing it. I tend to write/journal a lot when I'm going through difficult things but I find it very challenging to share it with people I'm close to, let alone the internet. But I thought better of it today and so here it is.--


I can't sleep and for some reason I felt compelled to write this.

I don't know how well I've hidden it, or if I have at all, but the past year and a half have been the most challenging for me so far, hands down. In a brief summary: I quit my government job & left behind all it's securities and benefits. We experienced my first pregnancy and it's loss. A meaningful friendship ended. And we moved.

Guilt, shame,  grief, depression but most of all --and the hardest to overcome--a complete crash and burn of self worth.

At the end of last summer, I was desperate to "have my shit together" and have a plan and feel like myself. But the puzzle pieces never fit and emotionally I was exhausted and worn thin. I was forcing so many areas of my life that felt so unnatural. And the start of this summer, I was sitting in the same exact chair. I still felt lost, swallowed up in my own life with no true direction. And I still had no answers. But the difference between last summer and this summer--I decided to deal with my issues in the right way. With no rush, with no expectations.

And here I sit, the summer coming to a close, feeling like I finally, finally have come over that damn hill. A year and a half of struggle and change and loss. I'm at a point where I can see why these things had to happen in order to vigorously shove me forward in my life.

After lots of little steps, and plenty of missteps, I took a big one forward today. I officially re-enrolled in school for nursing. It was a hard decision--taking on more student loans, I must be crazy--but I know it's what's next for me.

I can't even say how much appreciation I have for Chris. For his patience, his tenacity, his heart. But most of all, his faith in me.

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