in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it

I have written this three times. Edited & elaborated here and there, deleted many parts, and every time it ends up still saved in my drafts. I keep putting it off so this time I promised myself to sit down and finally post it.

 

After a good handful of texts asking, “When is your wedding?” It’s time I finally address our wedding/reception. We’re not doing one. 

 

{the former wedding/reception planing on pinterest}

 

Insert confusion and questions.

>>Why cancel it? What about that video you posted? — All those things I said in the video I meant. But truth be told the past 4-6 months has been a huge emotional battle for me.

 

As much as I wish I could share the whole story from start to finish with all the details—I can’t. This is my blog and I can air as much dirty laundry as I’d like but I also have to take responsibility for it, what I write, and who about. What I can say I felt weighed down by emotion and drowned in indecision. It wasn’t issues between Chris and I as couple or over the wedding/reception itself—flower arrangements or invitations or the like. It was over real life outside problems that were out of our control, surrounding us.

 

Unfortunately, those things really affect me. It influences my thoughts, decision making (or lack thereof), and causes me severe anxiety. It even led to anxiety panic attacks and physical sickness/pain. This all may seem out of left field. Like where is all this coming from?/what’s been going on? But that’s the trickiness about blogging, what I choose to share and not share about my life.

 

>>But you bought a wedding dress? — Yes, yes I did. I bought it back in November of last year when I was 100% on the wedding train. And I adoreadoreadore it and wish I could just spend a whole week in it. I’ve been going to fittings (with family & friends by my side!) despite not having a wedding or reception but the dress is nonreturnable and despite being unused for its original intention, the dress represents a lot to me.

 

But it will be worn! It won’t be sitting in the back of my closet, never touched. It will be used in a small but very special way—you’ll have to wait and see how :)

In retrospect, I wish I would’ve handled a lot of things differently. Starting with how we handled coming home after eloping. But in less than three months, Chris and I will have been married for a year. A whole year! Sadly, it has taken me this long to dig through and understand what’s been going on around me, my feelings and what’s in my head. And ultimately, I can say it isn’t about the wedding or reception. I don’t need those. It is about my marriage. It’s about the two of us standing together.

 

That message is the silver lining for us surviving the past 6 months. The way we got married was perfect for us, Vegas cliché or not. I have the intimacy of “I do” with Chris. What gives me relief but also makes me sad is that if we hadn’t eloped on that whim and would be here now planning my real wedding, I know I would end up canceling it for these outside problems. And that’s one regret I’m glad I don’t have to live with.

 

As months pass as a “Mrs” and I continue to sign my last name as his, I am beyond happy. Happy feels too small of a word to use. Too small to sum up the millions of feelings twisted together that I feel for Chris.

 

Mucho love & thanks to those who've supported me/us through all this! I literally couldn't have done it with you. 

xo